Sometimes I feel confused. i don’t know if i am doing the right things or the wrong things, i don’t know if what i want to do is acceptable and okay.
I don’t know if i am ok.
today, I played hooky from work. it was from a legitimate reason. according to the Bodega owner next door water from my house was leaking into the basement below and all over their goods. That sounds pretty simple. I called the landlord and they said they were sending someone. So the logical thing is that i call out of work .
I agonized about calling out. I thought about for hours. I practiced what i would say, when i would call, what my tone would be on the phone.. And before I dialed her number I counted up how many days i had already missed at work, attempted, and failed, to count how many times i had been late. Could they fire me? Or is this a write-up situation?
It made me sick.
I was paralyzed with fear.
Why? Why am I terrified of my job? Even when i am there i am terrified i am going to get in trouble. It’s concerning how much anxiety i feel just driving to work every morning.
And then when I have to call out for a legitimate reason i feel terror all day anticipating what will happen when i go in the next day.
I need out.
And now while I sit here in my living room, agonizing about what will happen tomorrow, i feel this overwhelming need to never again see the inside of that office again. I want to go freelance today. Right now.
I want to wake up tomorrow morning and after breakfast sit down at my laptop and work. I want to play my music and listen to the noise of my neighborhood. Or sit in the cafe with my headphones on, surreptitiously watching other patrons while I type,
But, alas, I have to go to work.
I need the income until I know i can meet my basic needs on freelance work for myself. I need the health insurance until i am able to buy my own.
I need the security.
So tomorrow I will wake up early, put on my makeup and drive 32 minutes to work.
But soon I will go in for the last time.
I have planned that last day more than other anticipated event in my life. Only 344 more days to go.
Reminder why I have to become an independant contractor.
So i can see this in person in Toulouse.Janvor Mann Dispatchwork