Day 21… Decision Making and Regrets

Sometimes I feel confused. i don’t know if i am doing the right things or the wrong things, i don’t know if what i want to do is acceptable and okay.

I don’t know if i am ok.

today,  I played hooky from work. it was from a legitimate reason. according to the Bodega owner next door water from my house was leaking into the basement below and all over their goods. That sounds pretty simple. I called the landlord and they said they were sending someone. So the logical thing is  that i call out of work .

 

I agonized about calling out. I thought about for hours. I practiced what i would say, when i would call, what my tone would be on the phone.. And before I dialed her number I counted up how many days i had already missed at work, attempted, and failed, to count how many times i had been late. Could they fire me? Or is this a write-up situation?

It made me sick.

I was paralyzed with fear.

Why? Why am I terrified of my job? Even when i am there i am terrified i am going to get in trouble. It’s concerning how much anxiety i feel just driving to work every morning.

And then when I have to call out for a legitimate reason i  feel terror all day anticipating what will happen when i go in the next day.

I need out.

O-U-T.

Out.

And now while I sit here in my living room, agonizing about what will happen tomorrow, i feel this overwhelming need to never again see the inside of that office again. I want to go freelance today. Right now.

I want to wake up tomorrow morning and after breakfast sit down at my laptop and work. I want to play my music and listen to the noise of my neighborhood. Or sit in the cafe with my headphones on, surreptitiously watching other patrons while I type,

But, alas, I have to go to work.

I need the income until I know i can meet my basic needs on freelance work for myself. I need the health insurance until i am able to buy my own.

I need the security.

So tomorrow I will wake up early, put on my makeup and drive 32 minutes to work.

Again.

(SIGH)

But soon  I will go in for the last time.

I have planned that last day more than other anticipated event in my life. Only 344 more days to go.

____________________________________________________________

Reminder why I have to become an independant contractor.

So i can see this in person in Toulouse.lego wallJanvor Mann Dispatchwork

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